Pity Party for 1

Training for an event is totally different than just exercising for fun.
I'm totally knackered tonight. Double training day of 45 minutes at the gym followed by a 30 minute run. My body is tired and telling me it bed and sleep time.
I've been feeling quite disheartened recently. I did a quarter marathon recently and it was hard work. And it was only 10km. And I got overtaken so so much in the race. And the girl I wanted to beat totally owned me. I guess when you are training away by yourself its easy to feel fast and superior? I don't have many people around me to compare myself with, I guess I've built up the view of myself higher than it should be. Last Sunday was a totally knocking me back into place thing. One of the worst bits was getting the e-mail with the race pictures. I had a vision of a sleek, strong racer girl. The pics look a little like the opposite.
Its hard to know how much self talk to give myself. I'm never going to be a very fast athlete. I'm never going to win. I'm going to have to push myself. I guess I just wish I was GOOD at something.

Time to restart reading positive literature again. "The Winner's Bible" currently holds a place on my bedside table. I should read it more. Tell myself encouraging little things. That this triathlon is for me. Not to prove myself to any one else. Just to prove to myself that I can do it and admire how far I've come. And I will do it. Even if I come last. And thats ok. I've come last before (on national tv no less) and it sucked a bit and then I mainly forgot.

Pity party over. Early night time.

Grapefruit

http://xkcd.com/388/

I love xkcd. its like they summed up life neatly.
apart from grapefruit. they are actually delicious.

Next time I'm going to choose a nicer goal

Why on earth did I have to choose a flippin triathalon to keep me busy?? Why didn't I choose something like "learn what to do with primer", "figure out how to change to oil in my car", "go speed dating". No, i chose NONE of those. And thought oh goody, a triathalon, I can barely swim 25m, don't own a bike, have been told not to run by the physio, but no wait, that sounds like an excellent challenge. What was I bloody thinking.

Started new training regime this week. Bit dead. Bit tired. Bit angry at the world. I need a holiday, but I just got back from one. Maybe I'll just hide in bed this weekend between my long run and recovery swim.

Starting the Savings Trend

I love spending money, so its almost a given that I suck at saving money. It's something that brings me grief almost every paycheck - the number of things I want to buy seems outnumbers my bank balance and its a horrible struggle between my self control and my lack of control. So I've decided to take some positive action. And start actual savings. It's quite a nice relief in all honesty to have a budget again and to have to stick to it. And thinking up plans for you savings is quite rewarding - almost as fun as spending it on stuff (well not quite, but none of the guilt of buying another black top).
Current favourite options: Trip to Peru. New sunglasses. Trip to Australia. New car.

Running in the rain

One of those weeks where I've put my heart out on the line and I've got the wait time in the middle. I think running in the rain with a great friend perhaps one of the best things ever to do in the meantime.

Running makes you feel alive like nothing else.

I hardly ever enjoy rain these days. As a kid rain dancing and playing in the rain was a treat. Nowadays its the end of straight fringes, smudges of mascara and wet and soggy socks.

Purposefully going out the in the rain though, it gets out the cobwebs. Makes childhood come back alive. Clears out your brain. Makes the bath and book at the end so much more worth it!

I'd like to be superman person thanks.

How come some people are Superman while I'm definately not? Superman people are those ones who are up at 4:50am for their spin class, cook wholesome breakfasts, the ones who always have curled hair, who actually IRON their work clothes, who seem to be super cooks, super entertainers, super bloggers. Thinking about them exhuasts me quite a bit.

I meanwhile seem to have perfected the art of non super human. I found myself tumble drying my work shirts on Sunday night, giving them a good shake and hanging them up in my closet. The dryer IS my iron, if it can't be tumble dried, I don't buy it (or I do and just ignore the warnings and yes I do own some excruciatingly tight items of woollen clothing thanks to this mentality). I have often counted a coffee and brichoe eaten en route to work a decent breakfast and consider the milk 'almost like a whole food if you think about it right'. I go through a bottle of dry shampoo on a regular basis to save on hair washing (that stuff is GOLD I tell you).

I often like to think that I could be a superman person. Last week on Sunday I got my superside all organised, foods into small containers, may have ironed a few shirt collars, plotted nutritious breakfasts, vowed to only drink green tea, planned my gym plan of attack. It last until about Tuesday on which I felt great. Wednesday I did not, Thursday I was hoping it would pass. Friday I had home sick.

I have come to the conclusion that superman people are on drugs. Ones a heck of a lot stronger than my spirulina/B vitamin combo and frankly, I cannot be stuffed trying to take ANY more tablets.

New style Larabars! Yipee!

So I've upped the exercise and eating tenfold over the past week (and promptly gotten sick, that serves me right for trying to do too much, too soon!) and have been attempting to find something that is quick and easy to grab pre workout. I love smoothies, but first thing in the morning I find them a bit cold and intense and I'm no ones favourite flatmate if I get the whizz stick or juicer going "What ARE you juicing?? TREES??" has been a previous comment while shoving hunks of unpeeled ginger through the juicer very early! I;m also not much of a breakfast girl so small and quick is the best.

I've attempted making my own lara bars with mixed results previously... they just weren't quite right... (old nuts anyone?) So I was delighted to find new RAW bars at the special needs store when I went!

They are made mainly with dates and chopped up nuts and are super delicious! I gobbled the ginger one in the car on the way home. At $2.80 each they are more expensive than all my treat foods [insert very sad face] and are not very viable for an everyday option. But they have inspired me to give homemade ones another go! And a nice alternative to chocolate bars when needed.

Alas the hunt for pre workout food continues.

Get the whole run down on the RAW bars at: http://tiny.cc/d245h

Back to blogging and back to the gym.

This year seems to have disappeared by very quickly so far. It felt like my year only really got started in April or so after I got a job and moved house. I keep thinking we should be about March or so, but no its mid July and spring is in 6 weeks (though the weather would beg to differ).

A lot has happened this year, I resigned from my old job, did some temping, finished a Bond girl challenge, went sugar free for 7 long weeks, got a new full time job back practice nursing, moved house, tried my hand at dating, finished my post grad study, learned to like some beers, started eat meat for winter and stopped my gym membership...

And also got a little bit lazy by Ginnie standards (no laughing Donna). Which I think was ok very much ok given the amount that I had going on, starting a new job takes up a lot of energy and thinking I reckon. I’ve been there about 16 weeks now and I’ve figured that its time to get back into some of the things I love and build me up. So back to blogging (relatively easy) and back to the gym (way harder than I thought).

Despite no gym membership I’ve been doing ok with exercise – a swim, a run up the mountain and a very gentle yoga session has managed to do me once a week. But clothes have been starting to get a bit tight and it’s all been a little bit easy – there has been no reason to push myself or try to go longer or harder. It’s also been getting cold, wet and miserable so runs have been tricky, and I really don’t want to get sick. So hello City Fitness flyer, hello 1 week trial, hello muscles I knew I had, but conveniently forgot about. Every. Thing. Hurts. Hello panadol, hot showers and lush muscle massage bars. In a strange way I like the pain. Its pain for being alive, for making my body work harder, better, more efficiently, faster. The pain is worth it for the endorphin rush from trying new exercises, or ones that my body remembers but does clumsily. It’s a rush that I can’t get by exercising alone. All round goodness, well asides from the fact that the week trial finishes tonight and its looking like I’m going to be back stuck into a yearlong contract and have the guilt of paying for a membership, but not always using it as much as I should! So it’s the weigh up: indoor-warm-endorphin-producing-rush-combine-with-cute-gym-boys-and-others-to-motivate-me VS. Paying-an-arm-and-a-leg-on-membership. I can totes do without an arm and a leg right?

And going to the gym totally makes you holy right?

Hello internet!

Finally we are back online. I haven't been all that fussed about it in all honesty. I've enjoyed the alternatives to spending all night online doing the repetitive twitter-hotmail-facebook-excessive blog trawling that I had gotten into the habit of. It has become a sanctuary of sorts, just killing time it seemed.

A few of the more favourite things I've discovered in the internet free faze:

-Cherry beer - this stuff is delicious! The Ponsonby Belguim Beer Cafe serves it. I've been delighted to discover that I actually LIKE a beer, more than merely tolerating it. Its onwards and upwards!

- Bakers Delight: on my way to work, fresh and so over priced, but makes morning tea/lunch so much more special

- Dating. Trying my hand at some relaxed dating and meeting new people. So far so good. Actually quite good. Who would have known?

-Shopping in Newmarket. Hello exciting things, goodbye pay check

-OPI. I love love love this stuff. I'm addicted on way too many levels. Rocking "Steady as She Rose" currently. Light pinky, mauve-y colour that I can wear to work. Loving having a new shade.

-Being so close to the Loft. I've made it to three yoga sessions in two weeks. Feeling a bit more stretchy and calm, always good things. Also full to the brim on vegetarian food. Its nice to be full

I have a new house!

And it is excellent in so many ways. Asides from the current lack of internet which is a little bit of a killer. But its making me do other exciting things like going out a bit more, reading books, watching excess amounts of Buffy on DVD. I am very much looking forward to regaining some internet and getting back into posting a little more!

Back to hating on uni

Study link has decided not to fund my study. I'm not sure why since I already owe them a huge amount in debt and don't see how an extra thousand dollars will do too much damage. Though National does seem to bring up the interest free study loans aspect every so often in a semi threatening way. I'm currently enjoying the lack of interest and am spending my money in other frivolous ways.

Today I got a lovely letter telling me I have overdue fees of $937. Oh goody. I love how this is the first indication that I'm actually enrolled and owe any money.

Currently my bank accounts aren't too healthy (hello a summer of being a bum) so they will have to wait until pay day.

On a brighter note I've started my first assignment for my paper... 1000 words only. Hallelujah.

Shaking things up

This week I made the decision to move out from my flat and into the city. Its been a decision that I've been considering for a while, day dreaming in my down time. Now that I'm employed and a city worker I've made the choice and have bravely informed my flatmates. They all seem a little panicked. I feel a bit mean, but also I'm looking at it rationally. Moving to town for me means...

a). 1.5 hours a day saved in my commute time. Which is equivalent to $80-90 worth of petrol

b). being closer to friends in Mt Eden, Ponsonby and Newmarket.

c). close to work

d). access to uni, shops, gyms, pools, healthfood stores, decent DVD stores... the list goes on and on.

I'm excited. Also incredibly nervous. Who am I to think that I can pull this off?

Lent Lent Lent

Today is the start of Lent. I think I'm over self denial and its freakin day one.

I've been feeling like I've pushed myself to the extreme this summer and I can't figure out if thats good or not. I went to the gym for a reassessment this morning and got a body fat % calculated. It came back at 17.4%. I started off at 22%. Thats quite a big loss, even for me. The gym lady said it wasn't that accurate and could be off. I'm not sure if I'm proud or a little horrified?

Anyway, back to Lent. I'm trying to give up sugar of all things. I read a blog about it, then read a book (Sweet Poison, excellent read)And not just the processed stuff, ALL OF IT. Like cutting way back on fruit and all my juiced goodness. Its a little miserable. I've been attempting if for a while now and today I'm feeling it the worst. Low grade continual headache, tired sore eyes, twitchyness and a stuffy nose. All stuff I was warned about but I thought for some reason I would be sweet as I don't have much processed sugar? Argh, this will teach me.

It could be the above symptoms which are making me reconsider if its all worth it. I miss cookies. Or just the thought of being able to eat them.

Which bring me to the thought that this is what Lent really is all about? Denial. Damn it.

Book lovin'

I got a huge stack of books out of the library recently. Not novels, more cook books, self help books, books about yoga. Ones I can read snippets of, like a magazine but with more weight. I’m hoping to whet my appetite again for reading. I have always been a huge reader, I chowed through so many novels as a kid. As a student books took a backseat to study, dvd’s became my escapist fix as they required minimal eye action, I could just listen to them. Starting off my working life they came back a bit, but with recent times they have died out altogether. My friend Thalia has lovingly lent me a few books, which have helped (Thalia has excellent book taste and her recommendations are always excellent and thoughtful). I think there is something magical about getting lost in a book that the internet or movies can’t provide. I love that books are so mobile, so one-on-one, they are intimate in a way movies can’t rival I love that all it takes is the book and me.

So here’s to hoping for many great books to come this year. Hopefully not all in the self help variety! I'm always after suggestions to, so please suggest away.

The continual refresh

There is something incredibly addictive about the continual refresh. It satistfies my crave for the constant wave of information and feelings of connection, yet also makes me feel increasingly needy as I want people to connect with me. There is a certain feeling of joy when seeing that little red “1” box on facebook appear, or seeing @alittlebitofgin on twitter that is hard to describe. And so it fuels my constant refresh action. It’s typically cyclical. Twitter, Facebook, Blog, Hotmail, Gmail, Blogs I stalk, cellphone, Twitter, Facebook. I think it may be a little soul destroying. I love it when people contact me, but I hate the feeling of not being contacted when they don’t. The mini depression of coming home to nothing new, of the text-less phone, the empty mailbox, the connectionless world. Usually I realise that I have done nothing to connect all day, so why should I expect connection? And then my thought train usually goes to “Gin, why on earth are you relying on other people connecting with you to make you feel happy or loved. Get a grip. Get a life. Get out.”

Which I have been attempting to do more of, well refresh only every 4^th minute instead of 3^rd.

Haircuts

I’m getting my haircut on Saturday. It’s one of those weird milestone. Isabel was always the one who wanted to get the low down on what I was getting and push me into braveness to try new things. Last haircut I got was just before I went to hang. We had mani’s booked with our favourite Korean lady who did a cheap and excellent job. When I arrived to pick her up she was too weak to get out of bed. It was the first time I saw how damn quickly things were moving. She couldn’t even paint her own nails. She did like my hair though. And I can paint others nails pretty ok, so the hangout worked well. We got to talk about death, or rather I talked from the deep scared part of me and she listened.

Missing you greatly Is. Wish you were around to send pix from the hairdresser and debate streaks and semi permanents with. To tell me off when I just get the same old style but tell me I look hot anyway. Maybe I’ll just text your empty cellphone number regardless and pretend.

Whatever gets you through the night I guess.

Earthquakes

Bit melancholic today. Big aftershocks have hit Christchurch with lots of people having huge losses – life being one of them.

I can’t handle the news today. I dislike it at the best of times – I see it as usually 30 minutes of gloom with sport and the odd cat story thrown in. Coverage of huge suffering and disasters is something that I just can’t take at the moment.

I thought that I’ve been doing quite well. Less tears, more forward movement in terms of grief, but today just brings it all back. I can’t comprehend mourning the loss that they must be going through, I’m just coping with my own today thanks.

So I'm sorry Christchurch. I do care. I just can't give it all my caring right now.

Peace

Driving home the other day I flicked the radio onto Life FM. The song that was playing was singing about how we are bring God’s peace to earth and perhaps something about unity, a generic Christian song that I’ve grown up singing along too, being glad to be bringing peace, doing a little back pat that I’m on the winning side, look at me, super girl, I’m pretty awesome. Yeah, I know it’s an extreme though train, and extremely smug at that.

Driving home though with that song playing, I tried to think of the last really peaceful act that I’d seen. Nil came to mind. Nil ‘Christian’ examples of a true act of peace were even close the surface. Mother Theresa may have surfaced for a little while, but other than that nothing.

Peace is one of those words thrown around so much. Yet it’s something I don’t feel is in abundance in my life, I don’t feel I project it or bring it to others. Sure I’m not out there being ‘anti peaceful’, I’m fence sitting really. So I’ve been wondering what a peaceful life would look like for me, for my community, friends etc. Interesting to ponder. Current implementation: nil. But that can be worked on!

Job Panic

One of the major downsides of not having a job is every few days I have what i'm coming to call "job panic". Its that horrid realisation that you are unemployed, have no job, have little money and soon you may have to call your parents for help. And then go visit WINZ. Today is a job panic day. I've found myself scouring Trademe and Seek and applying for all kinds of semi whacked out jobs.

Once I have applied for at least 5 jobs, the panic subsides and I can go back to plotting free and interesting things to do to fill my day. Current favouritea include high fat baking and repeat nail painting. Excellent ways to fill your day I feel.

Epic weekend of goodness

Friday: yoga, pizza, good conversation, sips of wine, nectarines, Waynes World, helping to put out the recycling, raspberry bullets/

Saturday: car washing, muffin making, room cleaning, Nitro Circus, car talks, date debriefs, tea drunken slowly

Sunday: mountain run, Nick, Powerade, cold beer, achievements, afternoon sleeps, dvd's, rice dinners, tired legs.

I wish all weekends were as good as this.

Back on the blogging bandwagon

I was hoping being at home a lot would leave me with all this spare energized to write all kinds of witty blog posts about engaging topics. Sadly not. The first 2 weeks of unemployment involved a lot of nothing. Long days spent lounging around in my PJ's until 2pm. I'm pretty sure the neighbours can describe my two pairs of PJ's to you know as I have no shame in checking the letter box, hanging out the washing, moving the cars and whatnot in them. Flip the courier man could probably also tell you as well. Time to get a decent dressing gown perhaps?

Now in week three of being jobless I'm finally starting to feel motivated to do things. Clean out long forgotten corners, make food for the freezer, try new raw recipes, write letters to my Grandma, and best of all... write some blogs. Hopefully funny ones.

The Trials of Unemployment

I'm still in the excited to be unemployed stage at the moment, perhaps the best place to be. There is still some money in the bank, I've still got a to-do-list of weird things, I'm yet to embark on any weird craft projects and I still regularly shower.

The slide into 'bum-ness' is creeping up on me though. I stay up later and sleep in later each day, my PJ's have turned into do anything clothes (I pity the poor neighbours) and showers are getting more and more sporadic. I even caught myself thinking about the whole self washing hair concept and if it would be worth a trial.

Job interview this morning though, so time to awaken, remember how to put on makeup, get my glad rags on and go sell myself. Fingers crossed this halts the bum slide a little!

Unemployment

After a crazy crazy 2010 year I have officially sent in my resignation letter and am now unemployed. Horribly relieved. Horribly terrified. Having a bit of a cry that its finally all over. Now the goodness that is 2011 can finally start.

Goodness

I did a bit of philosophy back in my uni days. Back when I was super young and naive and full of innocence. We talked a lot about the goodness of people and if we are born 'bad' or 'good'. There were no clear answers (as it always seems to be with philosophy). However, despite the 6 years of living that has happened between now and then, my views have not changed considerably.

I do think people are good. Yes we have a heck of a lot of falleness in us. I think we stuff up a lot. We lie. We cheat. We steal. We are selfish. We stuff up hugely. But I still think we are good. There is goodness in all of us. The hope of being a better person. The hope of live lived not just entirely for ourselves. The hope we can love. The hope we can fix our mistakes. The hope of mending brokenness. Redemptive hope.

There is capacity for evilness in us all. I think none of us are exempt. But I love that I feel we are given a choice. Evil is often the easy default, which saddens me a lot. We can explain away atrocious behaviour by claiming the 'default' of evil. Man up I say. Choose good. Work from a model of the goodness inside yourself. Believe it in others. Sure you do get a little cynical, but I like to think of it as wisdom unconventionally expressed. Perfection isn't currently humanely achievable, constantly striving for it wears you down something chronic. But goodness, I feel we can get there with. And perhaps in doing so, catch some glimpses of the goodness that is to come.

Concession Passes

Concession passes make me very happy. Why? Because they mean I've committed to going to something at least 10 times which is the perfect amount for really getting into a new activity. Concession passes also have the goodness of saving money, usually not much, but I love saving money/feeling like I got a bargain.

So highlights of my day? Drinking obscene amounts of juice (actually obscene, my juicer hates me as does the flat account on which I bought all the produce), getting a concession pass to the Parnell Pools and managing to swim 1440m. A serious achievement for someone who used to hate putting her head under water! With the 9 passes I have left I hope to do some good improvement on that length!

Beachin' it up

I'm one of these people who loves the idea of summer, but the reality doesn't always rock my world. I love the idea of swimming, chilling, tanning (safely with sunscreen on of course), eating chunks of watermelon, millions of BBQ's with friends, everyone laughing all the time.

In reality, this never happens. Summer is usually hot and sticky, most of my friends are away having their own exciting summers, watermelon remains at $7 per kg, the beach is a million miles away, I don't own a BBQ and I'm not a fan of lying in the sun until I'm crispy with a side of sweaty.

Does this happen to anyone else? Or is it just me usually counting down to the cool days of Autumn craving the regular routine of the year starting and everyone settling back to normal and being able to sleep properly at night?

Every year I vow it will be different and I'll love summer. This year I set my expectations lower (its my new aim in life, to consciously underestimate the enjoyment/happiness factor and then be pleasantly surprised when it is enjoyable - it may not be successful, but I'll let you know) and so far its been going ok. This week I've been swimming, not once but TWICE in the ocean and its been amazing. Great weather, great water temperature, great company and just enough waves to make it fun and not feel like I'm drowning. In the course of the same week I've also been road tripping, eaten food off a BBQ, tanned a little, taken crazy photos at the beach AND chilled out.

Summer, you may have redemptive qualities after all.

Preventative Wisdom

I'm learning that part of being an adult is learning about preventative wisdom. It's choosing to think more, consider your options and make informed and hopefully wise choices. Part of me hates preventative wisdom in the short term but acknowledges the long term benefits (aka less heartbreak) that will hopefully come as a result of it make it worth the short term pain.

When did we grow up all of a sudden?