Pre Christmas Musings

Christmas as an adult. Never quite the same as when you were a kid. Learning to slowly appreciate different things than presents, presents, presents. Like having my immediate family close by. Making traditional Christmas food. Anticipating my family unwrapping what I've bought. Having a niece to fuss over. Late night Christmas texts. The presents hype is nothing compared to adulthood contentment.

Home Time!

Well thats not entirely true. I'm not sure if the South Island is really even home these days or not. The end of this year will mean 6 years in Auckland which is 1/3 of my life. The lines of what equals "home" blurs a little as you get older. I still consider where my parents are as home, but I go back to see them, stay for a couple of weeks and start to miss my Auckland home. It gets more and more confusing the more I think about it.

I like to think that home is where my pillow is. I'm quite attached to my particular pillow and always miss it when I'm away. This holiday though I'm taking my pillow and my sense of home with me. It shall be good times.

But on brighter, simpler notes I'M GOING TO MY BIRTHPLACE! And get to have hugs with mum and dad and cuddles with my niece which should be awesome. Also my little sister is getting married so there is cause for some decent summer celebrations!

Shoes full of juice

Got to fulfill the juice girl dream today and worked at The Juicery doing promo work and working behind the counter. Big props to the owner aye, its a sweet little business. Saw some great customer service in action and saw how a small dream could grow with a heck of a lot of hard work.

I really enjoyed the "manual labour" in some ways. People were incredibly easy to please. They ordered, we made, they drunk. Such a change from nursing, I enjoyed the huge difference. I enjoy caring for people and being a fixer, but with nursing, there never seemed to be an end point? No end of the day where you felt like you had done all you could and could go home happy. A career change seems more and more likely.

My little white wharehouse shoes got hammered, they've come home an interesting shade of purple. Just as well they are machine washable :)

Nothing good ever comes easy. Though I wish it did.

Though in some ways I'm glad its not as then we'd all be slackers and laze around doing nothing all day.

I'm in some serious post work out pain after going back to the gym yesterday for the first time in a few weeks. I didn't make it while Isabel was in hospice - it was easy to hit up the stairs and clear my head. I'm regretting my slacking off quite a lot today.

Usually my breathing can't keep up with my fitness level (that makes me sound like i'm bragging, but i'm not, its just straight up facts) and I have to stop to breathe adequately. Yesterday I met my match. Pump class. Within the first 10 minutes of class I was all ready had it and regretting turning up and wondering how subtly I could pack up my step, dumb bells, weights and bar and leave without attracting too much attention. By midway through the class I was about ready to cry. By the end of class I was lying on the floor not even attempting to participate.

Today I am incredibly sore. Typing even hurts. Darn this competition! Why does my competitive streak come out in later years in life? Where were you all the years I attempted to get into rep teams and got turned down as I wasn't aggressive enough??

Considering pain relief, but as always I'm trying to detox. Considering a swim and a spa. Or perhaps just a spa. March 1, 2011 is so far away and attempts to sabotage other participants efforts are proving futile. Swim and spa it is.

End of a era

Today I put my car on Trademe. I'm quite stoked about this selling process as it..

A). Means I have bought a new car and an gleefully driving it around!

and

B). It's the end of an era I'm keen to see go.

I bought my ex boyfriends car when he moved overseas. It was a risk free buy, I was still covered by insurance, I knew how to drive it, it was an upgrade and it was very cheap. All good things when you are a student and have NO cash whatsoever and a car that is dying (literally... think push starting a car in the dark in the middle of Papakura when you are dropping youth group girls home).

But now that I've been working for a little bit and have some more money its been on my wishlist to upgrade. So last week I bought a new speedy car (which was also most of the above, but just 5 years newer and with less dents and not owned by an ex) which has been lovely to drive.

Now I can't wait to see this one go. Its always good to move on from ex's. Sometimes harder when you are driving their car. So its on trademe and people are bidding and I'm getting quite excited! check it out... http://www.trademe.co.nz/Browse/Listing.aspx?id=340433999 even bid on it if you wish!

School's Out!

This may have been the biggest anticlimax of the year! But school is officially out for summer and I have 7 weeks of holidays ahead. I've managed to be a good girl and save up enough to live comfortably all summer long! Wahoo! I can't remember when I last had such a long break... oh wait that was at uni when it was three months. But I usually had to work my butt off in a low paying job to scrap together some money for car repairs and heavy nursing texts books which gave you more medical issues carrying them than you could learn about.

Today is a day for celebrating and what have I chosen as the way to do it? Go for a 5km + run in Ponsonby, eat pizza, try some home brew and perhaps even a cocktail or two :)

I'm about ready to run and hide thanks.

What a year. I have to go back to work tomorrow and pretend to be a normal person again. I'm not looking forward to it. Though putting on that professional face and just pretending is sometimes easier to admitting all the broken bits on the inside. Emo much?

Considering packing up my bag next week, getting in and just driving. Perhaps quite a long way. With my cellphone turned off and no internet. Both terrifying and exciting. Perhaps also stupid.

The end of this week will be such a relief. Schools out, holidays start, home awaits, juices to be made (fingers crossed), Christmas trees to be put up, Bond girl bodies to find, swim squads, niece to cuddle, bridesmaid dresses to wear, beaches to get burnt at, tofu recipes to try. Lives to start.

Hello Summer. Please still be here when i get back.

Beetroot for the broken hearted

Grief is a weird thing. It cycles around. all my lectures on grief kick in and I found myself identifying which stage I'm in. I could almost write nursing notes on myself "Ginnie appears to be mainly in the denial stage of grief and doesn't appear to be coming out of if any time soon". Numbness is my friend. The time is passing and I'm not sure how. I've learnt the hard way that time heals so its rapid passing doesn't bother. Though I know the other 4 stages await me. I'm not keen to face them.

I'm cooking up a bit batch of roast beetroot for the week ahead. Its going to be my energy food. Eating is hard for me when I'm upset, yet things all feel more balanced when I do. Not too sure why beetroot is my weapon of choice.

Thank you for the many messages I have had from people. Sorry I haven't replied. I shall do later, once things quieten down.

~Gin

The last goodbye

Isabel died this morning.

It's almost 2am and I should be asleep, yet I'm dreading it.

I'm in this numb hurting stage where I've just lost one of my closest and best friends and its not quite sinking in yet. I don't know how to navigate this quite without her.

I got to say many beautiful goodbyes to her, the last being the night before she died. I took in my nailpolish box and took off the last of her nailpolish and got her fingers looking all pretty. Then got to hold her hand, sing her songs with her parents, read Isaiah and whisper the last goodbye.

The next wee while is going to be grief laden. I don't want to walk into that just yet. So i'm stopping in today for a moment more. Tomorrow I'll let the grief wash over me.

"We wont say goodbye.

This is not the end we know.

All who live must die,

but not all who live have truely been alive.

So I will celebrate your life,

Celebrate your faith,

Celebrate your love and the legacy we leave."

Phil Joel.

Miss you more than I know how to express Isabel. I hope heaven in just as we dreamed. Love Gin

Waiting waiting waiting

The tension of waiting for one of my best friends to die is pretty horrible. I am torn between the hope of her still being alive and the wanting her to be pain free and at peace. Its that tension, that horrible tension, for which there is no easy answer or way to cope.

I've had some beautiful experiences past few days though. I've seen a mum lovingly speak to a daughter and care unceasingly for her, no matter the toll. I've seen a husband comfort his young wife as she cares for her sister. I've seen friends in new lights. I've had generous hugs from people.

I've got so much love around me. God is near, and I find much comfort in that.