I've been on "keep busy" schedule. Busy means less time to think about all the things that hurt. I know its not the best way of coping and I'm going to burn myself out, but stopping to think hurts a lot and I find myself crying in quiet times. I don't know anyone who seems to do grief well, Jesus most likely did though, I know He wept. I wonder if He ever was tempted to shake his fist at God, to ask "Why God, Why?" on repeat and mutter rude words about the uncomfortableness of cancer. My view of Jesus and who He is in my life is growing and moving, hopefully into good directions. I hope that He is with me through my uncomfortableness, hating cancer as well and gently loving me through my fist shaking thoughts.
My flatmate has loaned me a book on Christian meditation. He said that extreme busyness is a fast track to depression. I don't know how he got all wise all of a sudden. I'm going to read it to fill that empty spot between getting into bed and sleeping, the most dangerous thinking spot of all. Then I can meditate while falling asleep. Perhaps the first step along the road to accepting this horrible tension.
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